


thoughts during torture

by StopIWantToTalkAboutCheese



Series: inspired by TUA season 2 [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Drugs, Electrocution, FBI, LSD, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Self-Reflection, Torture, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Vanya Hargreeves-centric, and more initialisms!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:41:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25702999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StopIWantToTalkAboutCheese/pseuds/StopIWantToTalkAboutCheese
Summary: What Vanya was thinking during her time with the FBI.
Series: inspired by TUA season 2 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1860775
Comments: 8
Kudos: 100





	thoughts during torture

Taking LSD against one’s will is not a pleasant experience. 

In fact, being involuntarily drugged and electrocuted, all because Vanya knew how to say “I don’t know” in Russian, is probably one of the worst things that has ever happened to her. _Probably_. Of course, she has a lot of experience with being drugged. Almost as much as Klaus. Maybe more, because Vanya started earlier.

Either way, it isn’t fun.

There are little things coming back to her already. Klaus is (was?) a drug addict. Allison has a daughter. Five is older than he looks. Diego loves their mother, probably more than all of them combined. There’s a Korean brother, who liked reading, but she doesn’t quite recall his name. She is afraid of Luther’s hugs, for some reason. She took pills for years, but they were doing something bad to her. She doesn’t remember what.

She remembers playing the violin. And she remembers a bright light, and being _furious_ , almost impossibly so. It engulfed her, controlled her movements, and consumed her totally until there was nothing inside of her but seething rage.

She remembers her siblings looking afraid. She remembers Luther telling her that she destroyed the word.

Vanya is pretty sure she’s not a communist, but she’s terrified that she might be something worse. Of course, they are probably going to execute her for being a communist, no matter what she was before. She’s not dumb. She knows what happened to the Rosenbergs. And the government thinks she’s Russian. For all Vanya knows, she might be. Maybe the Umbrella Academy, and Reginald Hargreeves, were working for the Reds all along. 

Communists– Russians, with names and heritages like Vanya’s– were treated with suspicion at best, and outright hostility at worst. Or death, like the Rosenbergs. She doesn’t know what the government will do if she finds out she has superpowers, but she hopes they find out when she kills them.

She almost wishes she _were_ Russian, if only to spite the American government. She had apparently destroyed the world, right? Vanya Hargreeves could be terrifying if she wanted to be.

But… but then Sissy would be afraid of her. And that was the _last_ thing Vanya wanted.

Vanya is pretty sure the clock on the wall is melting. Her feet are immersed in eyeballs.

There is a voice in her head. It sounds like Reginald Hargreeves, and _him_ she remembers, even if it’s only a little. _The most common immediate psychological effects of LSD are visual hallucinations and illusions, and a “trip” lasts up to 12 hours. Other effects include anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, intrusive thoughts of harming others, and suicidal intentions. Are you listening to me, Number Seven?_

 _Intrusive thoughts of harming others._ That was laughable. She was pretty sure that that was par for the course for Vanya Hargreeves. There were little bits of her old self, clawing their way back, after weeks of wondering, and Vanya was not sure if she wanted to remember at all but she had to so that she could help her family and–

The man hits the switch, and Vanya _screams_. The pain radiates up from her feet, through her legs, and lances across her body. She strains against the cuffs, fighting to get her feet out of the water, but the leather straps hold fast.

How did this happen?

God, she had been so _happy_ when she’d found her siblings. She had been searching for a month, and they had found her. She had Allison, a _sister_ , who hugged her and smiled wide like she was actually happy to see Vanya. She had Luther, so big and still apologizing for something she didn’t even remember. She had Diego, tough but accepting her apology. She had Five, distant and cold but full of determination. She had Klaus, somebody who was so _open_ about who he was, and his sexuality… _pansexual_ , she thought he had said. Vanya had never heard of the term before, but when he mentioned being in love with a man, Vanya had been seized with fear for him. And then she realized that Allison was just nodding along, and then both of them were teasing her about Sissy, as if they didn’t see her as wrong or unnatural. They just saw her as their sister, who happened to be in love with a woman.

The electricity _isn’t stopping_.

The Umbrella Academy. Team Zero. The others hadn’t told her much, but she knew that their childhoods were not ideal. They didn’t have a mother like Sissy, determined to keep her child safe at all costs, even from her own husband. 

Klaus had mentioned being locked up. Allison had said that Vanya had been locked up, too, and ignored, and belittled. Luther mentioned rigorous training, pushing himself until he threw up. Diego didn’t say much, but he did tell her about a woman. Mom. When Vanya asked if “Mom” had ever protected them from Reginald, he had fallen silent. 

Vanya isn’t sure if she wants to remember a childhood where she was locked up and where her siblings suffered, and they had no protection except for each other, but it’s starting to look like she has no choice. 

And the electricity is _torturous_. Finally, _finally_ , Vanya gives in. 

She is drowning. She is flying. She is awake. She is asleep. She is screaming. She is silent.

Vanya eats the brain, and she sees her dead father, and she speaks to her dead brother, and she wonders why they couldn’t just let her die too.

Leonard Peabody had tricked her, but Vanya didn’t need his help to be a monster. She is a murderer. She cut her sister’s throat. She tried to kill her brothers and sister in a theatre. She blew up the moon. She caused the apocalypse. Later, she will find out that she nearly caused it a second time. She is too dangerous to be left alive. She is too small to control the tidal wave of energy.

She wished she had been a Communist instead.

**Author's Note:**

> so... what did you think?


End file.
